Nicaragua-dyssey
It just took me three days to get to Nicaragua for a New Year's vacation. All in all, I only lost one day after one of the worst east coast storms in recent memory. Looking back, I think I leapt a fair amount of hurdles and am glad I got here. Before the memory fades in the sun, I wanted to capture the exhaustive list of trials. I feel like I'm a pretty good commuter, but this journey took every move in the playbook plus Odyssean stamina and persistence.
12/25: Pre-Game
- Taking heed of the widely televised communications from the major airlines to reschedule early in the face of the storm,I called Orbitz to reschedule my flight to Nicaragua leaving on Monday morning 12/27 at 9am. They told me to call American Airlines, since American Airlines had dropped its business relationship with Orbitz. It took me 20 minutes on hold to get to this point.
- called American Airlines. Spent 45 minutes on hold. They said that since Orbitz booked the ticket through TACA (my connection from Miami to Nicaragua) they could not make any adjustments to the ticket and I would need to call TACA.
- called TACA. Busy signal for an hour. Called back nineteen times over the course of three hours. No pulse. Called TACA customer service in Canada, London and Australia. All busy signals, except Australia where I gathered that TACA customer service was actually closed since it was Christmas. That was a first. There was literally no way to reach the airline because they were off. Merry Christmas.
12/26: Day 1: Part 1: Cape Cod to Boston
- Checked the weather first thing in the morning. The two storms combined and the worst case scenario was unfolding. Instead of heading out to sea, a classic nor-easter blizzard complete with 50-75mph winds had developed and was heading straight at every major airport between Washington DC and Boston.
- Decide to get to Boston as quickly as possible and take the Chinese Fung Wah bus ($15 one way online for the 12pm departure) so I can get to NY and base from there. My train from Boston to NYC that night just seems too chancy to risk and why not take the Chinese bus whenever you can --- always an adventure.
- 9am-1130am -- my dad drives me in his pickup through the storm that has arrived early to Cape Cod.
- Spend the entire ride on two phones: one with American Airlines, one with TACA air to try to change my flight which is about to get cancelled
- American Airlines: on hold 25 minutes, automated teller, ringing for an operator, dropped call due to poor cell service on the cape
- TACA Airlines: on hold 30 minutes, connect to an agent. She has no confirmation that the flights out of NYC are going to be cancelled and asks me to maintain my current ticket until changes are actually necessary. At this point, I'm 80% sure I'm never using TACA airlines again
- American Airlines: on hold 30 minutes, gets through to automated teller, drops cell service.
- Email alert: Flight from NYC to Miami on Monday morning, is officially cancelled. I call TACA back and American Airlines back at the same time, one phone on each ear.
- American Airlines, on hold for 30 minutes, automated teller, finally get through to Customer Service. She maintains again that even though they cancelled my flight that I need to work with TACA to get on to a new American Airlines flight since they initiated the ticket. I ask her to clarify that even though American Airlines cancelled my flight, that I need to work with a different carrier to get a new seat on the quickly dwindling availability for American Airlines flights on Tuesday. She says that is correct. I again say. "Let me get this straight -- I had a ticket on American Airlines that was cancelled. Youre telling everyone on television to call ahead and rebook on a different flight and that even though you work for American Airlines and I need to fly American Airlines to get to my second leg to Nicaragua out of Miami, that I need to call someone else at another carrier to make this happen. She confirms that is the situation. I give up on American Airlines getting me to Miami in a reasonable fashion.
- TACA: on hold 30 minutes, connect with operator, explain that AA flight has now been cancelled and I need to rebook the ticket. She puts me on hold for 10 minutes. Drop cell service.
- Using my Android Nexus S, I book a new ticket on USAirways (via Kayak) leaving Tuesday morning at 7am from NYC to Miami. That flight will get me in in time for my connection to the tropics
- TACA: on hold 25 minutes, connect with operator, explain situation about needing to move my Nicaragua leg to Tuesday because I cant get out of NYC because there is a blizzard and all the flights have been cancelled, she puts me on hold for 10 minutes. No cell bars, but miraculously does not drop which probably saved the phone from getting thrown out the window. She says that she cant rebook the American leg of the trip, that I need to go through American to do that. I explain to her (patiently) that when I spoke to American, that they said that TACA needed to rebook the ticket including the American leg, since they generated the original ticket (through Orbitz, which Ive already decided I'm never using again). She puts me on hold for 10 minutes. When she comes back she explains that before she can rebook the ticket I need to call American Airlines and confirm that there is space availability on the flight and then call TACA back and then they will book it. I admit -- I paused when I was given this directive because the incompetence on all fronts was breathtaking. I ask if I can speak to her manager, she said I can but that's what he just told her to do. I thank her for her time and cross TACA off the list forever. Over IM, my friend Tommy explains that he calls TACA -- "Take Another Chance Airline" and I think that's a perfect tagline for them.
- I get back on Kayak a buy a new ticket from Miami to Nicaragua on American Airlines for Tuesday night at 7pm, washing my hands of TACA forever.
- As the transaction is approved, we pull into the bus station. I've been on the phone for over two hours so now both phones are running out of battery before I get on the minimum four hour bus ride.
- I get to the bus station, which is a mob scene, though tame to what I would witness later on the trip. I get onto the bus scheduled to leave an hour earlier, but it's running late so I end up leaving at the original time scheduled and over hear that it's the last bus to New York. The one I was going to originally scheduled to get on at noon and others are now being cancelled because the blizzard has hit. Kicksave!!!!
12/26: Day 1: Part 2: Boston to New York
- I get on the bus there are two seats left in the fourth row from the back. The last three rows are filled with teenagers with tons of tattoos, face piercings and died hair. Im getting a lot of bumblebee and zebra imagery. They're already playing their stereo loud and it's death metal and they're all carrying brown paper bags wrapped around some type of aluminum cylinder.
- We make great time from Boston to New Haven CT in 3 hours, but the snow is starting to come down. Hanging with my new homeys in back, I'm surprised that I've retained the lyrics to such chartbusters as "We'll Sleep When We're Dead" and "Fuck You Norway" on the second time through the album. Everyone on the bus hates the back of the bus and the teenagers love that they're hated, living out their infantile punk fantasy.
- Two of the ringleaders mercifully pass out after their fifth beer and the girls in the crowd turn down the music.
- At least six inches of snow cover the ground and conditions are worsening quickly --- visibility is low, etc. I love all God's people, but I'll admit to looking at the 5'4" Chinese bus driver with six inch glasses as he white knuckles the wheel and perhaps I made some stereotypical judgments that added to my anxiety about my personal safety.
- We reach the NY state line in 4.5 hours, now we're going 5mph and we are in the heart of the storm. DBag #1 wakes up and yells at the girl for turning off the music and tells her to crank it up. I put two and two together and remember my friend Garrett telling me there was a Gwar concert in NYC on 12/26 and we should check it out because it's on par with the San Diego zoo for looking at the wild animals. These freaks got on the chinese bus to new york in a blizzard to see Gwar and now I realize the pre-party is only going to get worse. Seriously -- Gwar???? You've got to be kidding me.
- Xmas dinner leftovers sandwich packed by my mom = total bliss.
- We make it to NYC in 5.5 hours and the city is in total disarray, blanketed in snow. I lug a suitcase across Canal street and say to the heavens that if I currently hold a miracle cab card that I would like to play it now. Three minutes later, I see an open SUV cab and jump in front of the hood. He says he's going offshift and that it will need to be an extra $20 to take me to my apartment. I offer him $40 instead.
- While in the cab, I get an automated phone call that my original train from Boston to NYC (650pm departure) has been cancelled.
- 7pm, 10 hours after leaving my parents house on the cape, I arrive home to my apt in NYC. Thus ends Day 1, Part 2.
12/27: Day 2: Part 3 New York to Philadelphia
- I sleep til noon and go get breakfast. While it's not snowing, the wind is blowing so badly that I don snowboard goggles. I get a lot of "you're a wuss" looks from hardcore NYC passerbyers, but I think it's genius and a move I plan on incorporating into my February game. Lunch is great, I head home to check flight status.
- I get a flight alert that my original TACA flight from Miami to Nicaragua is leaving on time from gate B32. Thanks for that guys. What a world class organization.
- I get a second alert saying that my US Airways flight to Philadelphia Tuesday morning has now been cancelled. The unofficial death count at JFK/LGA reaches 1000 flights. That's two strikes getting out of NYC by plane.
- I look online for new flights. It's a joke. I look at trains from NYC to Philly for early in the morning. Everything but the 3am (first train out of town) is completely sold out.
- I call USAirways and ask for my options. On hold for 30 minutes. Finally the operator says there are no flights out of NYC until Tuesday night and no one knows what going to happen with the storm. I ask her to keep my connection from Philly to Miami and I will find my way to Miami. She says once she releases NYC, thats it, so am I sure I want to do that. I tell her I'll call back.
- I check back on the 3am train, it's now sold out. I call Amtrak.
- Amtrak rep gets me on to the 10pm train to Philly and -- hark! a lucky bounce -- I can use my cancelled train ticket as a voucher. Just need to go to the service window when I get to Penn Station that night. Says to be there at least an hour early, which I translate into three.
- Go to SPG. com and reserve a room at the lovely Aloft Airport Hotel in Philadelphia.
- Call back USAirways, tell her to cancel NYC and that I'm training down to Philly. She lets me know that since I'm changing the ticket I cant be reimburesed for the travel expenses related to having the flight cancelled out of NYC. I tell her that makes perfect sense since the reason Im taking a train and getting a hotel is because they cancelled my flight. I then offer to just open up my checking account to all major carriers so we can make this relentless draw down a little less painful logistically for all involved. She declines.
- Plan C is coming together. Train booked, hotel booked, flights getting out of Philly no problem. A faint, glimmer of light flickers at the end of the tunnel. 3 hours to pack.
- 8pm, arrive Penn Station. As I tweeted --- looks like the "Last Plane Off of Mars" scene from Total Recall. Absolute chaos. I go to the service counter and the line snakes back and forth at least 60 minutes. The entire train board says "Delayed". Something is wrong.
- Everyone in front of me is trying to get rescheduled on a new train since theirs form the afternoon hasnt yet arrived. No one knows what's going on.
- I check train status online on my phone, my train is scheduled to leave an hour and a half late at 1130. Would put me in at 1am. Woman behind me in line is on the phone telling her friend she's going to try buy another ticket because her 530pm train to Washington has still not arrived. it's 850pm.
- I witness the woman in front of me discover that the guy in front of her works for American Airlines and has offered to make a call to get her on a flight to Buenos Aires the next day, as the operator told her no luck until Thursday. She's really excited and presses her luck. She asks him if he can instead call and get her on the direct flight to Buenos Aires on *United*. I laugh outloud and pretend its a cough. He rolls with the punch and says, no -- because American Airlines and United are not the same company. She looks a little sad and then realizes he just miraceld her and takes him up on his offer.
- I get to the service window -- after an hour -- and the teller asks me if I want to go on the 8pm train instead. I look at the clock which reads 923. He explains the 8pm is leaving at 1030. I say yes then ask when the 10pm is leaving. He says he as no idea. I upgrade to business class and retain a $9 voucher from my original ticket. Things are looking up.
- Go the bar, get a beer, survey the crowd of devastation. Crack some jokes about travel situation, no one laughs. Bartender says he's been working since 6am and was told he's not allowed to go home. I roll the dice on some chicken fingers and hope the line cook is in a good mood.
- Head out to the main terminal where my 8pm train has reached standby status, as has the lonesome 530pm. First two trains headed south in over 8 hours are reaching the station and everyone is on their toes trying to guess which track so they can stampede the gate.
- With shocking serendipity, Madison Square Garden empties 20,000 Rangers-Islanders fans into the terminal -- mostly wasted and hating each other -- and sending the stress level in the main terminal to an impressive level of intensity. We are one stray elbow from a riot scene. Human civility and decency are officially MIA.
- I guess track 2W (?I think?) and hope for a lucky bounce so that I'll be first down the escalator.
- The 8pm comes up on track 14E. I'm on the exact opposite side and end of the terminal but cut my way to about 40th in line.
- the 530pm come up on 6E (might be messing up the numbers here). Half of the terminal tries to stampede through the other half of the terminal who have dug in and will not give an inch of space as it might cost their spot in line. Think Red Rover Red Rover with 700 people. For your life.
- Gate opens up, save yourself.
- Business Class == A+ call. Lots of space. Lots of sighs for relief
- Five minutes before we're supposed to start, the conductor announces that this is not the 530 train, it is the 8pm train and that the 530 train is leaving on a different track in three minutes. I count 8 people in business class that swear, grab their stuff in cloud of dust and sprint out of the train and onto the train on the track next to us ---- also not the 530 train leaving in three minutes. I witness two conductors almost come to blows -- literally screaming two inches from each others faces. I had *no* idea that train conductors cared that much about anything.
- Drink car: the poor soul trying to keep the crowd nourished declares a ban on credit cards because it slows him down. I applaud his leadership in the moment. Totally the right call. The two morons who had their credit cards to buy a $2 coke look sheepishly at the line of 18 people glaring down at them and say "its' fine I'll just pay cash". I buy two budweisers and a bag of pretzels for dinner and wish my mom had packed two sandwiches rather than one.
- Arrive Philly 30th street station: 1am. The Flash (me) makes it up and out of the terminal first.
- No cabs. Two people waiting. One cab shows, ladies first. People start streaming out -- there is no line, just a amorphous blob of people trying to figure out how to cut in front of one another. Another cab pulls up, second person gets in. I'm now first among equals with no governing structure. Someone yells "where is the line?" no one says anything. People start moving to the front to obviously try to steal my cab. Cab pulls up, I wave him him step in front of the DBag who tried to grab the handle in front of me KNOWING that he was cutting me right in my face. Tell him to fuck off, inciting the crowd and shut the door and lock it.
- Cabbie has no idea where the airport hotels are.
- No cell phone service. Tears well up.
- I tell him to just drive towards the airport.
- Nexus S back to life, Google maps miracle. Arrive Aloft Airport Hotel 130am, set for 5am wakeup.
12/28: Day 3: Part 1: Philly to Miami
- 5am wakeup. Snooze til 530. Adrenalin rush when I realize my flight lifts off in 2 hours and 10 min and I havent even left the hotel yet.
- Print boarding pass in hotel lobby -- genius, I would discover later.
- Shuttle to airport, arrive 615 am. Straight to security.
- Get in back of line, looks not that bad -- would estimate 30 minutes from here.
- Security guard excuses himself and points to where the line really begins as I make eye contact with a bunch of pissed off people I almost cut. I sheepishly move to the back of the line. Looks more like an hour
- Pulling out my cell phone, second security gets my attention and says thats not the end of line either and that I need to go **that** way. I look up and see the longest security line I've ever witnessed, which is saying a lot. More awkward eye contact and being judged. I take the people mover past three gates to the end of the line for security. No way I get through in less than 90 minutes.
- I somehow get through in 60 minutes. Actually pretty funny to see everyone get the double security guard take down and see their reaction at how long the line really was.
- Some dick pulls off cutting both security guards attention and gets through in like 20 minutes. Raging envy ripples across me and like 100 others but no one speaks out.
- Security. Old guy in front of me causes a mashup because he's wearing lace up boots and is like 95 years old. Trashy chick behind him cant get through security because her jeans are covered in so much fake bling. High comedy. Clooney would be irate.
- Get to gate 30 min early. Everything set, plane is there, crowd is there. No delays, for the first time I think I'm actually going to get to Miami.
- Boarding time comes and goes, no update, crowd gets restless.
- 15 minutes after scheduled boarding time, stewardess comes on the mike and says that everything is set except no one knows where the flight crew is. They're doing their best to locate them. We're now supposed to be taking off. No one knows what to do with this information.
- 10 minutes later, in a breathtaking CYA manuever, the man on the mike updates the crowd that it's a local crew and that this is their first flight of the day and that one stewardess has not yet showed up for work but they're trying to find her and have called a back up. Anger focuses like a laser on the absentee stewardess.
- 45 minutes later another update: the backup stewardess has checked in 15 minutes ago and should arrive shortly and we can begin boarding.
- Said backup stewardess arrives to a standing ovation from Gate B30 five minutes later
- Takeoff, REM sleep, arrive Miami 1130am. I sleep the whole way.
12/28: Day 3: Part 2: Miami to Managua
- 65 degrees. Palm trees. I'm in Miami with six hours to kill. Just so happens my friend Manny has a great condo on the beach. I move at pace to the island.
- Three hours of beers, sunglasses, tuna tartare, girls in bikinis. No more snow storm except on TV. Tapping into the Odyssean metaphor, the Sirens were singing and they sounded **great**.
- 430pm: Back to Miami International: straight to the Admirals club.
- "I can upgrade you to business class but it will be $70". My breaking point was probably $550. At this point the budget for anything that makes the travel better has been uncapped.
- Tangent: During my layover while I was sipping daiquiris on the beach, Miami International had a bomb scare when a can of hairspray exploded in a man's suitcase, bringing in the FBI and causing total chaos and flight shutdowns for two hours. No impact on me. I took this as the karmic refund check finally arriving.
12/28: Day 3: Part 3: Managua to Playa Iguana
- Arrive 830 pm and clear customs no problem with my friend Tommy, who made it through three cancelled flights out of JFK. Head to the street to look for our driver Omar who will take us the last leg. Description: "moustache, looks like a muppet, will have a sign with your name on it".
- Three laps through airport and 20 minutes later -- no muppets, no signs with my name on it, though plenty of moustaches.
- I slump over defeated, wondering if there is a W in Managua.
- Tommy persists, finds Omar. Omar calls him Bryan the rest of the trip. There is no way I make it without Tommy coming through. "I need help!!!!!!!"
- I win shotgun, we head out of airport. Omar is shaking his head nervously, swearing in spanish. Front and back wheels shaking and shaking my confidence. We try two gas stations looking for air. We need air because it's a three hour drive in backwoods Nicaragua and our tires are going to make it current state.
- We find air, I ask Omar if he thinks we'll make it three hours on two bum legs. "Vamos saber!!!!!!" he says. Fucking beautiful.
- Five minutes later, Tommy and I agree the right course of action is to stop to pick up a six pack of beer for the ride. "No problemo".
- An hour in, we ask Omar why the back window is a plastic bag. "Mi chica es loco, man!!" She broke the window.
- Ten minutes later, we ask him why there is no radio in the dashboard "Mi chica es loco, man!". She took the radio.
- Tommy whips ups iTunes on his laptop which gets us a soundtrack. We stop for mas cervesas.
- After three hours, we pull into the house. No one is awake, the door is locked.
- Mercifully, Jenn comes to answer the door and we're in.
- I sleep outside on an air mattress because all the beds are taken. Could have been full of snakes and rats, I wouldnt have cared.
Total travel time: 66 hours.
